From Bray to Eternity Page 10
After the holiday in Minorca travel played a big part in our lives and over the remaining time we spent together we travelled quite a lot. We went to Italy a few times as well as Malta, Austria, Cyprus, Tunisia, South America, Alaska, and Canada. We also had one memorable trip to the Holy Land in October 2000
That trip to the Holy Land came at a time we were having the most serious problem of our marriage, a problem caused by me on a holiday to Majorca in 1998. As I stated previously we experienced all-inclusive holidays for the first time in Minorca in 1996. We liked them so much that the next year we sought out an all-adult resort, the Los Palomas hotel in Porto Colome Majorca, and we had a fantastic time there. We became closer than ever and met some very nice people that we socialised with and Annette really relaxed. So much so, that some nights when we came back to our room, which was on a corner of the top floor, facing the sea and not overlooked by any other buildings or balconies we made love on the balcony, under the stars. We slept on the balcony, wrapped in each others arms, covered only by a light sheet. After two weeks we truly were reluctant to go home as we were more in love than we had ever been and resented having to share our life with anyone else. We were no sooner back in Dublin than we booked the Los Palomas for our holidays the following year, 1998, the year of our thirtieth wedding anniversary. The year our marriage nearly came to an end.
Over the thirty years of our marriage we had had disagreements and rows, but nothing too serious. We were always able to kiss and make up after a short period of feeling miserable over hurting each other. But what happened in Majorca in 1998 was in a different league to anything that had happened in the past. This time I disrespected, hurt and betrayed Annette in a way I had never done before, in a way that I was, and still am deeply ashamed of. It took its toll on our marriage for years after and was only completely healed during our trip to the Holy Land in 2000.
We had had a great first week in Porto Colome, taking up where we left off and making full use of the balcony. We had requested the same room so everything was going perfectly; we even met some people from the previous year. Then, as the first week came to an end, my eyes betrayed Annette. I really don’t know how to put this down, how to say it. It’s still a source of huge embarrassment to me and a source of sadness that I hurt Annette the way I did. Here goes, as we were having our lunch on the Saturday of the first week I got up to go to the buffet for something and as I did so, I saw a girl in her late twenties enter the room. She was wearing a green summer dress, with no sleeves and white sandals. I was taken by her appearance and looked at her as she crossed the room, possibly looked at her too long, unaware that Annette was looking at me. I went back to the table and Annette said nothing at this point.
Over the course of the next couple of days I saw this girl again, and without thinking, and to a large extent without being aware of it, I let my eyes linger too long, unaware that Annette was watching me all the time. Like all men I’m sure I have looked at pretty girls before but for some reason I took an unhealthy interest in this girl. It was something I had never done before as I truly loved Annette and never at any time in our relationship or marriage was I, or had I any desire to be, unfaithful. After three days of this carry on, I was standing on the balcony with a pair of binoculars and I am ashamed to say I had them focused on this girl as she was sunbathing by the pool. Annette came out of the room and stood beside me and asked what I was looking at. I of course said nothing in particular, that I was just scanning the horizon and the sea. Annette knew differently and in a fit of tears and anger told me she knew who I was looking at as she had been observing me for the past few days and I could not take my eyes off this young girl.
I was frozen on the spot with shock and shame and at first denied any such thing, but I knew she was right. My mind went into a spin of confusion and shame when it suddenly hit me that I had been behaving like a schoolboy at the first sight of the female body. I’m not sure exactly what happened next, but Annette threw herself on the bed, crying bitter tears which pained me to see as I was the cause of them. All through our marriage I hated to see Annette cry, particularly if I was the cause of those tears, and I had been from time to time, but never for something as hurtful as this. Through her tears Annette questioned her attractiveness, asking me was I now, after thirty years of marriage, finding young girls more attractive and desirable than the mother of my children, the woman who had given me the best years of her life. She reminded me that she had been a young, attractive girl once and now felt old and unwanted. She also said she felt disrespected and insulted that I should behave the way I had in her presence. That she thought at first I was just having a harmless glance at an attractive girl, but as my behaviour went on for days she was angry at the way I was behaving and felt insulted that I did not know or care that she was observing me.
As these words spoken through her tears hit me, I was reduced to tears at what I had done and the hurt I had caused Annette. I truly did not realise I was behaving in such an abominable manner. I never had, nor would I ever, purposely hurt Annette and I tried to tell her so. I apologised for my behaviour and told her she was the only one for me and I loved her and thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen in my life, and I meant every word of it. But the damage was done. I had behaved like a fool, and in the process hurt, badly hurt, the woman I loved. I can’t explain my behaviour over those few days because I was unaware I was doing anything wrong. We had been on sun holidays before where I had seen attractive young girls in various states of undress, including topless, and I had never behaved in such a way nor felt any desire to do so, but for some reason, I had, on this occasion behaved like a complete idiot.
My apology did not cut any ice with Annette as she felt betrayed and nothing I said could stop the tears. Her tears penetrated my heart and I would have done anything in my power to undo the hurt I had caused her. Maybe what I did would not be such a big issue for some people, but because of the depth of love and trust we had invested in our marriage, and the closeness we felt, it was a huge breach of trust on my part and a huge feeling of betrayal for Annette, and I knew that.
We somehow got through the rest of the week but I’m sure the other people must have wondered about the change of mood, which was decidedly sombre. And whenever possible we avoided socialising. What should have been a very happy occasion for us became a nightmare for me as I’m sure it must have been for Annette too. I tried to make amends for what I had done but nothing helped. She went into a frame of mind and a mood I had never seen her in before. She was silent and withdrawn, with me and everyone else. I was so sorry for what I had done; I was also very ashamed and tried to tell Annette so, but it was as if I was talking to a wall.
The rest of the second week was agony for both of us and it could not end soon enough. We spoke very little on the way home and I was afraid of what would happen when we did get home; would our children notice the difference in our behaviour and how would we explain it? But fair dues to Annette, when we got home I immediately noticed she perked up a bit and tried to give the impression that everything was normal. I continued trying to tell her how sorry I was and how ashamed I felt about what had happened but she seemed to be numb to my entreaties. I did not blame her one bit as I knew I was one hundred per cent responsible for the gulf that was now between us and I never stopped telling her how sorry I was and how much I loved her.
When we did talk about the incident from time to time, usually early on weekend mornings as we lay in bed together, Annette spoke with sadness about what we’d had and how she now felt she could not trust me anymore. Hearing those words hurt me badly, because I knew what I had lost and I was afraid I was going to lose much more. I was terrified I was going to lose Annette. But I was not going to let that happen. I begged Annette to forgive me; I swore my fidelity and my love to her and promised I would never again behave in such a way as I had done in Majorca. Annette was slow to accept my pleadings and I, for a time, thought our marriage was at an end.
But gradually Annette’s attitude changed. She began to believe I was truly remorseful about what had happened but our relationship was still a long way from what it had been before we went to Majorca and I clearly still had a lot of convincing to do before it would be like that again, if ever.
It has been extremely hard, embarrassing and painful for me to write what I have just written, but I promised Annette when I told her I was going to do this memoir, and asked her to help me do it, that I would be totally honest in what I wrote and that I would include this painful episode. To have left it out would be a distortion of our marriage. It did happen, so I have tried to put it down as accurately as I remember it. To do otherwise would be to disrespect Annette and her perspective of our marriage, and I would never do that again.
After all the happiness and love we had enjoyed in our relationship up to then, it was a very painful time we were then entering into and one I found very difficult to cope with. In spite of what had happened Annette never withdrew from me sexually and we never stopped making love but it was not the same. Our lovemaking had always been spontaneous and passionate, and fun. But now things were very tentative, with a sense of just going through the motions. I knew that if we were to get through this, and I do believe that after a while Annette began to believe I was truly remorseful about what I had done and was trying to forgive me, then we had to continue making love, because if that stopped then there was no way back for us. Both of us I believe knew that, but while Annette always participated fully when we did make love the fun and passion was not there any more.
I tried really hard to make Annette see how sorry I was, and how much I wanted things to be as they once were between us, but I knew I had hurt Annette badly and it would not be easy to get back to what our life had been like before. Both of us tried to act as normal as possible when the children were around and I don’t think they noticed anything unusual in our behaviour, likewise with our friends and family. But we needed to be alone together more if we were to resolve the situation.
After a few months, Annette wanted to talk more and more about what I had done and why. I tried to explain as best I could, but as I did not fully know why myself, it was hard to explain it to Annette. It was a painful experience being confronted with my behaviour time after time and asked to explain it. I felt ashamed and embarrassed in front of Annette as I tried to rationalise what I had done. What I did know and what I continued to tell Annette was that I loved only her, and how sorry I was for my actions in Majorca. We talked and talked it through, over and over again, and while Annette wanted to be forgiving, as was her nature, she was finding it hard to fully trust me, hard to give herself as completely as she had done, because she was afraid of getting hurt again. We needed extended time alone together to resolve and repair the damage that had been caused to our marriage. Annette wanted to believe and forgive me; she did not want us to break up because of this incident, but she did not know if she could ever be as close and loving with me again, as she said “the trust was broken.” We had to try to rekindle the fire that was now only a smouldering ember. As long as that spark was there, and it was, there was always the chance of starting the fire again. We had been together for thirty years now and I was not prepared to give up all that we had experienced together and all the love we had bestowed on each other in that time without a fight. The loss, measured against what we had, was too great a price to pay for what would, in reality, have been for most other couples a misdemeanour. But because our love was so strong and all encompassing, because the degree of trust had been absolute, what I did was all the more shocking and hurtful to Annette. It shattered the trust she had unreservedly invested in me and in our marriage and she was hurt and disillusioned by what I had done. In spite of all that I knew there was still a strong bond holding us together and now that we both wanted our marriage to continue I was prepared to do whatever it took to reignite the flames I had so nearly extinguished.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
It was at this time we got the chance to buy a mobile home in Dingle, County Kerry. And it was in Dingle that the trust and passion began to come back into our marriage again. It was Annette’s idea to look for a mobile home as a getaway for ourselves, so we’d be alone to work through our difficulties. We had somewhere nearer than Dingle in mind, but after putting an ad in Buy and Sell magazine the price requested for mobile homes on the east coast was way beyond what we could afford to pay and it looked like a mobile home was a non-starter.
Then, when we had all but forgotten about it, we got a call from a man in Dingle out of the blue one day. He wanted to know if we were still looking for a mobile home. Annette was not home when the call came, but I took the details and after explaining that we had been looking for somewhere nearer Dublin I promised to speak to my wife and get back to him. Later that evening when Annette came home I told her about the call and the mobile in Dingle. Like me, her first reaction was, Dingle was too far, especially as neither of us then drove a car. I had never been to Dingle, but Annette had been there once with her sister Caroline at some weekend conference some years before and liked it. After talking some more about it, and in view of the fact that we were unlikely to be able to afford one near Dublin, we decided that we would ring the man back and get more details. This we did, and to cut a long story short we decided we would go down the following weekend and have a look at the mobile.
The weekend we picked turned out to be one of the best weekends of the year weather wise. We were met at Tralee train station by Paul Scanlon, the owner of the mobile, who took great pride in bringing us over the Conor Pass and into Dingle town. Dingle looked magnificent, with clear blue water in the bay, surrounded by green hills which swept down to the sea. After having a drive around the town Paul then took us to Bin Bann to see the mobile. It was an old mobile which had been used by Paul’s daughter Pauline but she had moved out and the mobile was now vacant. It was situated in a side garden beside Paul’s house, but with a high fence and ample space between the mobile and the house, and it had a small garden of its own. It was on a hill overlooking Dingle Bay, and from it we could see the “Fungi” boats as they brought visitors on trips to see Fungi, the Dingle Bay dolphin. Although old, the mobile was in pretty good condition, and Paul had installed running water and electricity, as well as a flush toilet. It had two bedrooms, a galley kitchen and a large living area. It was exactly what we were looking for, and the price was right too. The only problem was the distance from Dublin. It would take the best part of a day to get down to Dingle. We really liked what we saw and would have bought it there and then if it had been nearer to Dublin.
We did not make a decision that day but told Paul that we would have to think about it for a day or so as it really was a long journey from Dublin. We enjoyed the rest of the weekend in Dingle and took a trip on the boats to see Fungi. While we were on the boat we could see the mobile nestling on the hill overlooking the bay. We did not know what to do about the mobile; the distance was the only stumbling block.
After a day or so we knew we had to make a decision and let Paul know what we were going to do. We sat down one night and weighed up all the options and decided it was worth taking a chance on. So we rang Paul the next day and said we would take it. It was the beginning of October and we told Paul we would be down in a week or so to take possession of our ‘new’ mobile.
Annette had not yet started to drive so we had to get the train to Tralee and a bus from there to Dingle. As the mobile was in Bin Bann, which is about one and a half miles from Dingle, we had to get off the bus at the race course corner, near Ballintaggart House. We then walked with our haversacks, down the side of the racecourse and up the hill to Paul’s house and the mobile. The weather was not as kind to us as it had been the first time we came to Dingle. It was more like the Dingle weather we came to know so well in the years ahead, breezy and raining.
By the time we got to the mobile we were wet through and through and were beginning to have second thoughts about
the decision we had made. I’m pretty sure if the weather had been like this when we came to view the mobile we would not have bought it. But then we would have missed so much. Eileen, Paul’s wife was there when we reached the mobile. We had not met her before as she was in Dublin with her sister the first time we came down. I don’t know what Paul had told her about the people who had bought the mobile in her garden, but I got the impression she was expecting someone younger, not a couple in their fifties. How and ever we got the keys and moved our wet haversacks and ourselves into our new holiday home.
The first thing Annette always did when we entered somewhere new, even hotel rooms, was to bless the place with holy water, so as to protect and guard us against all harm, and this she proceeded to do with the mobile. It must have worked, because for the next ten years we felt nothing but good in that old mobile. The time we spent there over the years brought us back together even closer and with a greater depth of love than we had ever had. But it did not happen all at once. Annette was still hurting, and I still had a lot of making up to do. But it started that wet October weekend in Dingle, as we made the first tentative efforts to get back to where we had been last May, before we went to Majorca.